Nobody cares about the Oscars, right? WRONG! Stars care about the Oscars, and consequently some little part of our consumerist soul does, too. So here’s all you need to know about what happened Sunday night at the star-studded show:
Lady Gaga was doing the dishes. At least, that’s what appears to have been occurring right before she jumped in her limo and headed down to the Red Carpet. Too embarrassed to remove her gaudy kitchen gloves in the public eye, everyone’s favorite meat-wearing, egg-hatching superstar pretended the fire engine red hand protectors simply weren’t there. Way to go, Gaga. Nobody noticed a thing.
Patricia Arquette was drinking.
Like… a lot. She was so drunk, in fact, she strung a bed sheet over her shoulder and tucked it into her favorite skirt, smeared on extra pink shimmer lipstick, and strutted down the Red Carpet like she owned it. Too bad she forgot to do her hair.
Neil Patrick Harris Channeled Barney Stinson
Our dear NPH hasn’t sang that hard since his “Nothing Suits Me Like a Suit” number from Season 5 of How I Met Your Mother. Maybe there’s a reason for that.
Elsa makes a cameo appearance.
Now if only her royal icy-ness would stay the hell away from the East Coast, because we’re freezing.
Jack Black returned from A-list exile.
And just one look at that nasty beard tells me he’s gonna end back up there… where he belongs.
Oprah’s getting fat.
You get a donut! You get a donut! Everybody gets a donut at the after party!
Neil Patrick Has a Suitcase.
And Octavia Spencer is NOT happy about it.
Adam Levine is still gorgeous.
We all like to check up on him from time to time and make sure that’s still a fact… it is.
J-Lo tripped down the stairs.
And all the men were praying for that plunge neckline to slip just a little bit to the side when it happened.
Steve Carrell totally owns NPH.
Now we know who would win in a battle of the wits between Barney Stinson and Michael Scott.
Someone thought it would be a good idea to invite The Lonely Island.
NPH comes out in tidy-whities.
But in light of his manhood appearing in Gone Girl, it was sort of anticlimactic.
Chris Evans shows all of man how a beard should be done.
Take notes, Jack Black.
John Travolta gets touchy-feely with Idina Menzel.
Rumor has it you could actually hear the word “awkward” echo in the theater.
The sound guys for Whiplash are totes adorbs.
You could have given the Oscar for Sound Mixing to a group of high school cheerleaders and they still wouldn’t have been as giddy as these geeks.
Jared Leto comes dressed as Jesus.
Yet nobody cried blasphemy.
Drunk Patricia Arquette rants about inequality.
All the wino housewives are right with you, sister.
The wives of the Big Hero 6 winners will bring a tear to your eye.
Maybe it’s because they’re the only people in the room that don’t have to pretend they have emotions.
Eddie Redmayne makes you feel human again.
I’m pretty sure he joined the Whiplash guys backstage to dance and high-five each other. Although he did win an Oscar for best Actor, so he could be pretending.
And there you have it – the most shallow award ceremony in Hollywood history.